Does everyone think they carry a mark? Or is it an ambiguity that leads one to meaninglessness even in their pain, because they cannot judge themselves? In a century when God spoke to one of them, would people still feel this ignorance — which somewhat makes them innocent — in everything? Was there still a trial then, perhaps even more so when God spoke? But I can’t do theology, because I don’t know God or I’m honest about not knowing God.
You need to do something, and with it comes the need to know, to not know in order to know, and the inability to do when you don’t know. Maybe something, something you know how easily you can give up later, if you’re not specifically making an effort to keep yourself consistent and not arranging words to use them in the meaning you want later, you take too seriously the competence of this first impression in showing you the truth when it first feels right inside you. Later, it’s resisting a pain, taking it — not entirely — a bit seriously. Or not taking it seriously at all? That’s a lie, because even if what you think doesn’t feel right, it could be true. Just living a little bit prevents you from holding onto a single theory. An event happens, you define it, then its opposite, then another at the other extreme. Repetitions start as much as new ones, yet you have designs, even if you rely on them to resist the face that attempts to sulk due to your repetitions and endless frustrations, as if other personalities emerge breaking away from your integrity. Even if you define weariness, you don’t want to forget it. You gather experiences over the new personalities that scatter from you, as if believing in the virtue of throwing them into a basket, maybe one day they will be useful, even if you don’t believe in the virtue of these accumulations. You seek wholeness — not the ability to change perspective developed in you so that you can look from the angle you want and see from the right place, but the innocent one. But there is no being that remains innocent once it has lived, because even if it’s in thought, you commit a crime once. But there was a time. At that time, actually, everything was a matter of time. All things to be done were clear, duties. How certain everything was then! But the certainty of these matters was disrupted when I didn’t look with pride and for the sake of defending myself.
Wholeness is a subject of research. Because your memory fragments you. How would you construct thought without your memory? Or do you use your mind’s aimless continuity and its world full of dreams less when you follow images taking your memory into account? Everything, completely everything has a good or bad orientation. This is something about humans. When you meet an extreme, in a new personality, even if it opens itself to you with passion, it brings the possibility of evil. Because there is no good that doesn’t bring the possibility of evil. The magnitude of this possibility of evil is proportional to the potential of the good. Ultimately, wholeness is difficult, the living become fragmented. But this ability to look from a single angle, certainties, the certainty of images… The creations of the mind swear to quit and do nothing when they find various expressions of a suffocating image. After a while, you start a job that can only be on your own, like enduring — enduring thinking, having to think. Because even if you need an analysis, really when you need it the most, it’s the moment you can do it the worst because of your emotions, because it’s a thought laid out towards reaching what you desire or avoiding something. What you need to do lies somewhere within these emotions and is not free from feelings, so a thought without emotion is not very safe either. At such times, everything must be tested, stones must be thrown into other wells. Yet, ignorance will not fix anything. I can’t be a scientist while observing, because clarity about everything is more holistic than that. It’s not an encompassing principle, just like a rule made from exceptions. If you wish, there’s also such an option, which sometimes needs to be wished for when necessary. But not this, seeing everything separately, knowing everything is separate and not equating anything. Not for the ease of looking, but for the ease of seeing.
